A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
