dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
