everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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