all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
