When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
