I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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