so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
