just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
