if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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