Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
