I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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