Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize