Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
