I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
