bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
