I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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