im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
