I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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