Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize