how can u be prego again
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
