I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
