I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize