I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
