I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Screwed.edu
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
