at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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