There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize