I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
