I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
