I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
