My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
