god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
