There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
