the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
