u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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