oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
