my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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