I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
