there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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