Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
