have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
