why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
