I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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