I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
