No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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