So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
