Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize