Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
