mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize