Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
