he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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