im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
