I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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