Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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