My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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