How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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