You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I touched a dick in church today
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
